Prem Ashram Memories, Cont'd.
After another fifteen minutes, Ali Akbar came and said that Baba had come into the hall, and that I should wait just a while longer, as there may be a few people there, and then I could go. I said all right. It didn't take more than ten minutes, and Ali Akbar was less patient than I was. He came then and took a little bit of gaz and pistachio nuts and honey that I had brought — to Baba. And immediately, right there and then, Baba distributed each piece of it to someone: he gave the pistachios to one, the honey to another one, the gaz to someone else, — each thing to a different person. Now I was standing at the doorway, and I wanted to enter. But I started to think to myself, "Here in front of God, how can I ever enter with this gross form, with this unclean form?" This would be the height of impoliteness and disrespect. So I was thinking what to do. As I was thinking this, I saw that Baba had a wonderful, a beautiful smile. And he was beckoning to go close. So I entered with a feeling of extreme joy — infinite joy. With that extreme amount of joy, I approached Baba. That just made the 35 years of separation immediately vanish: that very instant all the separation that I had was all gone. And I couldn't remember any-
more what was separation and being away. I was happy and well.
I went to kiss Baba's feet, but Baba embraced me, and I also embraced him very gently, because Ali Akbar had told me that Baba's back was hurting. So I held him gently. Baba had me sit right next to his feet there. That day for about two hours that Baba was giving darshan, I was with Baba, and Baba would ask me with gestures whether I was feeling all right, whether I was well. Then I asked Baba's feelings, how he was feeling: "How's your feet?" and he would answer: "I am VERY, very well." And all of a sudden I started to think that Baba is God, and how could one ask God how he is? Then I saw that Baba, as if he was going to speak, would separate his lips. I would think to myself that maybe right now Baba is going to break his silence and speak, but Baba opened and closed his lips a few times, as if he was speaking, and there was no sound coming out of it. This was the first day.
The second day, there was a play in Guruprasad about how Baba in his childhood, when he was going to school, found Babajan. That was the play, and that day was very extensive and very good. And I saw it. The third day passed also. And then came the fourth day. Baba said: "You can't stay here any longer than today. You must return to Iran." I told Baba that it had been 35 years that I had not seen him. So I asked him to please give me permission to remain with him for another 20 days or a month here. He said: "No, I am also with you in Iran. You should go back and work for Baba. Even if you lost your life on this, don't pay heed to it, and work for me." I said all right.
After darshan, and saying goodbye, I was very, very sad and unhappy. On the third day, I started to feel very sad. I was feeling so sad that I could not even remain in Baba's presence any longer, because my heart was going to break, and I was going to cry. I felt that I couldn't sit in the crowd any longer; if I should make a sound in the middle of the crowd, it would bother others and it would be chaos there. Immediately All Akbar gestured to me and he noticed that I was not feeling well. He took me outside. I was outside for about fifteen minutes, until I cried a little bit and my heart was emptied a little bit. Then he brought me back inside again. Of course it was very, very crowded