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30

 

Eruch replied, "Control yourself." A. H. wrote to Baba that he would go mad without His darshan. He wrote several long letters rich in love asking for His darshan. Eruch replied, "If you cannot wait till the February 1958 sahavas, come and see Baba at Poona — Guruprasad for a day in December."

 

After spending sleepless nights in the agony of separation, the day dawned when he reached Poona. Slowly he climbed the steps of Guruprasad. He was a stranger to the big crowd but known only to the One. He went into the hall and sat down almost near the door as the hall was crowded. Baba came and took His seat amongst loud cheers of Avatar Meher Baba Ki Jai. Being myopic, A. H. could not see Baba clearly from that distance. After a few minutes, his mind began to play mischief, 'No one knows me over here; not even Baba. I am wasting my time. To cast my anchor in the ocean of Baba would be in vain.' Suddenly, in the midst of the programme, Baba pointed at him and said, "Amiya Kumar." Eruch looked at A. H. in recognition. A. H. was very glad that Baba knew him! Baba then called him. He got up trembling and walked towards Baba. He felt he would faint. He said, "Baba, give me some time." Baba gestured. "Sit down." After he sat down, Baba said. "Can you see me now!" A. H. replied, "Yes, Baba." Baba looked like a thousand roses in bloom. His eyes sparkled like stars. His expression showered love and compassion.

 

As he sat there he repented for all the doubts he had entertained regarding the existence of God and of Baba being God. He felt he was such a sinner. In spite of so many experiences, he had not been able to fathom Baba's greatness. He repented for his past deeds and this was expressed as tears rolling down his cheeks. Baba would be busy with the programme, but each time A. H. felt very bitter, Baba would turn towards him and sort of say with His eyes, "It's alright and over now." Each time, Baba would respond to his inner and outer crying. Baba then began to give a discourse. Whilst He was doing so. Baba did not look at A. H. As soon as A. H. felt that Baba was not looking at him, Baba would turn to him with a smile and his expression would pour love. The beauty of His expression defied description. Baba looked at him with such gentleness and kindness that it imprinted itself indelibly on his mind. The spontaneity of Baba's response and His disarming smile took the wind from his sails.

 

A. H. thought he would not leave the hall without embracing Baba. A couple of minutes later, one of the volunteers said. "Everyone please leave the hall and go for prasad and tea on the verandah!" A. H. now wondered what to do. He felt Baba would solve his difficulty, but Baba did not look at him. His doubting mind got the better of him and said, 'Baba must have some sort of a modified omniscience. May be, He was busy with His discourse and so did not receive my inner thought.' In spite of Baba giving him so much attention, in spite of sitting in Guruprasad so full of life and vibrant with songs and throngs of Baba lovers, he found little comfort for his mind was blurred by clouds of dust he himself had created. He went out on to the verandah and Baba called him back. He came near Baba but felt he was such a sinner; one so unworthy; one having so many doubts that he could not possibly touch such an immaculate being like Baba. He stood in front of Baba refusing to move forward. Baba gestured, "Come here." He took a step or two forward but felt he should not touch Baba and so sat down about two feet away from Baba's feet. Baba again called him

 

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