with her there, but the baby was squirming and the mother was very uncomfortable trying to hold the baby quietly. Baba indicated that the baby should be allowed to play freely. That made the mother happy. It crawled to different people and played with them. Then it crawled to Baba too and played with Him awhile. Then it moved along. Baba had His gaze out of the corner of His eye on the baby, but still He was involved with everyone else, with the program and the music. It was a very loving atmosphere — so much so that the mother forgot about her baby. Gradually the baby started to go over the threshold of the door and was about to fall outside and hurt itself. At that moment, Baba turned and looked at the baby, clapped His hands and pointed to the mother to get the baby before it fell. The mother ran and grabbed her baby, which started to cry and get excited because it was being taken away from what it wanted. Gradually it quieted down and became happy again.

Then Baba gave this as example of what He means when He says He has His Nazar (spiritual sight) on us: He said, "I allow you all to play and go on your own way, but I won't let you destroy yourself. Like the baby, I allowed it to play. It came to me, left me and played about, but I was always aware of it."

In the same way, at the time when we suffer most, He has His full gaze upon us — His full attention of love. Yet, we feel at this time Baba has abandoned us. On the contrary, He makes His love most available at this time. If we could just take the opportunity to reach into our hearts and experience it.

I used to wonder what the mandali's experience of Baba's love was like. One time, when we were on the veranda at Meherazad, someone was playing a song from a Baba album. It was the first time it had been heard at Meherazad. There was a very touching line in the song, I was feeling Baba's love for a moment and I just happened to glance at Eruch and he looked at me. It was clear that at that moment, touched by the words of the song, we were both experiencing the same feeling of Baba's love. Thinking about it later on, I realized that all of our feelings of His love are the same. It starts out in the core of each of our hearts. It is the same love, the same Baba. Only in the case of the mandali, there is less of themselves in the way and hence they are more conscious of that feeling of His love. But the core, the center, the starting point of that love is the same for us as for those who have lived with Baba.

Baba once asked one of His lovers where she got the feeling of love that she felt for Him. She indicated she didn't know. Baba then told her that He gave it to her so that she could give it back to Him. We are incapable of loving Meher Baba. It is only because of His love for us that we experience any love for Him. Once when I was sitting with Eruch in his room he sort of kicked his shoe a little bit, saying, he felt less worthy than his old shoe. I thought, "What is he saying? He is just trying to make me feel better." But later on I sensed from the other mandali how unworthy they feel; how they feel they are nothing compared to Baba. I thought they were just trying to make me feel better by indicating they are unworthy — that they are nothing. After living in India for a number of years, it became apparent to me that they were not just being humble for my benefit. They were expressing their actual experience. It seems that the closer one is to Baba, the more one is aware of His greatness and one's own nothingness. Adi used to say that when he was with Baba he felt a feeling of greatness. Later on he realized this feeling wasn't coming from him, it was coming from Baba. When the mandali indicate they are unworthy they are being honest because they are so aware of Baba's greatness.

St. Theresa gave an analogy of a vessel of water. The water appears to be very clear in normal light. But if you held it up to the sun, you can see the slightest impurity. Because of the proximity of the mandali to Baba, when they look at themselves — if they think of themselves at all — all they are aware of is their impurities when compared to Him.

One time Eruch gave a fine talk and I said to him afterwards, "Today Eruch you were really unworthy!" and he smiled.

It’s true, anytime we experience Baba's love through anyone else it's because Baba is present in that person and that person is not there. The best anyone can think of oneself, if at all, is that Baba’s love comes through one not because of, but in spite of,